We’ve all been there (or at least us lucky ones):
Boy meets girl.
Boy likes girl.
Boy takes girl on a date.
Boy and girl change Facebook status to “In a relationship.”
Boy and girl fall in love.
Boy and girl fight.
Boy and girl break up.
Boy and girl change Facebook status to “Single.”
Boy (or girl) is heartbroken.
Well, lucky me (I say sarcastically): I just got dumped. On our anniversary. And I was in love — still am.
It hurts.
Considering this is the “personal” portion of my blog, I’ve decided to discuss this extremely personal process that everyone must go through during a rough break-up, especially when they were not the person who wanted to end things. Fortunately for myself and other grieving love-lorned folks, there is a WikiHow dedicated to this exact predicament! It is nearly as popular as the WikiHow “How to lose weight.”
So apparently, I’m in good company. Here is their advice.
How to get over your ex in 14 easy steps:
- Think through everything thoroughly, but not obsessively. There were probably multiple reasons the relationship didn’t work out, and it’s healthy to recognize and appreciate these aspects. Consider things you did to contribute to the demise of the relationship, and identify what you have learned about yourself in the process and what you will look for in a future partner.
- Don’t rethink your decision or situation. It is so easy to play the “what-if” and “if-only” game. The fact is, it’s over, regardless how perfect it “almost” was. Do not romanticize the relationship or play games with yourself hoping your (ex) partner will change their mind.
- Keep your space. Break away from the person completely until it is possible for the two of you to have a strictly platonic relationship. Even if you have decided to remain friends, it will be nearly impossible to get over someone if you are still receiving phone calls, text messages or Facebook updates from them.
- Cope with the pain appropriately. A stage of denial is natural and often must be overcome before acceptance sets in. Recognize your mistakes, but focus on the fact that you did your best. You will find someone else.
- Deal with the hate phase. This is another natural stage, but get over it quickly. It is a toxic waste of time and energy, and while hating someone can take away from the pain, it’s not good for your soul.
- Talk to your friends. Focus your energy instead on spending time with people who love you and are willing to support you through this difficult time. Having these people remind you that you are special and lovable takes away from the pain of losing your lover, giving you strength to move forward.
- Write all your feelings down. Try composing poetry or writing in a journal — even a blog! Don’t edit yourself as you go, and you will likely find that patterns emerge and you can develop insight into why the relationship wasn’t meant to be. “Just because it didn’t work out doesn’t mean it wasn’t a necessary part of your journey to becoming who you need to be.”
- Make a list of reminders. Keep an honest list of all the reasons the relationship wasn’t right and keep that list with you. When you start missing the other person or feel the urge to contact them, pull the list out! Read it and re-read it if necessary. Stay strong and positive.
- Out with the old, in with the new. Clean your apartment, reorganize your room, start reading a new book. This is the perfect time for new beginnings.
- Remove memory triggers. Take down any lingering pictures and keepsakes from your relationship. Remove anything from your personal space that causes a heart twinge when you see it. Throw it out or put it in a box far, far away.
- Find happiness in other areas of your life. Focus on things that make you happy and content. Start a new hobby or take a class in something that’s always interested you. This is a time for you. Enjoy being your top priority. “The best revenge is living well.”
- Stay active. Exercise releases feel-good endorphins and is a great stress-busting tool. It also renews confidence and feelings of self-worth. (Here’s a humble tidbit strictly in my opinion: the second-best revenge is looking and feeling GREAT!)
- Let go of the negative emotions. Recognize that no relationship is a waste of time and that whatever happened is simply a stepping-stone for bigger and better things to come. Fondly remember the good times and learn from the bad.
- But…remind yourself of the negative things. “The LESS attractive you find them, the quicker you’ll get over them.” Did they have a questionable fashion sense? Did they incessantly quote awful movies? Whatever your turn-offs were, focus on them. (My advice alters this slightly: I think it’s healthier to focus on the negative things that directly affected your relationship, instead of the person themselves. Were they unwilling to work through disagreements and instead ran from them? Did they make you feel unworthy or unstable? I believe focusing on these characteristics helps you form a better idea of what you need from a potential mate.)
Easy as that, right?
Of course not.
It’s called the grieving process for a reason, and there will be good days as well as bad. I anticipate it will take time and a lot of work for me to fully recover from this particular relationship, but I am confident that I absolutely will. I found this logical step-by-step advice helpful for dealing with the decidedly non-logical emotions that coincide with any significant break-up.
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